Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
