I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize