remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I need to calm my uterus...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
