This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
