You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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