So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
pray to the hookup gods
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
