life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
