i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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