if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
