she woke up with a sticky ear
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
