I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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