Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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