I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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