she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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