You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
