When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
