I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize