A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
