Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
