I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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