You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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