In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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