you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
