so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
