My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
