if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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