I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
