What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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