At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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