Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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