Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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