If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
