Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
