My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
