If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
