my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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