o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
This toilet bowl is my home.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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