It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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