i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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