Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
