Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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