A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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