So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
