Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
