dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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