; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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