last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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