I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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