All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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