So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
