Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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