eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
