I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize