Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
