Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
should my penis look like a turkey
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
