he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize