you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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