Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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