He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
