I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
