he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I had to cum in my sink.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
