i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
