Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
