Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
