Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
