I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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